I was talking to a young lady I mentor who's father I know. Since he has been gone most of her life because he spent time in prison, she barely has a relationship with him. She hasn't seen him since she was a preteen and now she's an adult. Her younger sister, by another mother, hasn't seen him since she was a baby. She is now 16 years old. He keeps in contact with his daughter (if he keeps in contact with her at all) via a cell phone and text messages. Now because he has managed to find himself in trouble again, he only calls on holidays and birthdays, and usually the conversations don't last for very long. Yet, this same man can find the nerve to go and play daddy to an ex-girlfriend's child and call him "son". He will break his back to take care of this child that is not biologically his while he has missed his daughters growing up, attending proms, graduation, and the like. But if the eldest makes no attempt to acknowledge him on a birthday or holiday or call his mother, it's World War III. What a selfish bastard!! How can he even have the nerve?
Another guy I know evades his children out of fear of being accosted by their mother for child support. He chooses to remain out of sight because he doesn't want his kids to ask him for anything. Yet he's playing daddy to a kid that is rumored not even be his. Go figure. It is one thing to be a father figure to someone else's child, but be sure you're a father to your own.
I know another father who had quite a few kids by quite a few women. He had his favorites, although he maintained contact with just about all of his kids. When he fell ill, he confessed to two of his children that he was sorry he wasn't more active in their lives. Well too little too late. Why should it take illness or being near death to make you realize your mistakes? If you have missed your child's formative years, trying to bond when they are adults isn't going to make them feel any better that you weren't there. I know fathers who were there and still made lousy parents. So then what?
Absentee fathers AKA Sperm Donors are the reason so many young women are in the arms of the wrong men searching for the love their fathers were supposed to give them. They are the reasons sons end up acting not knowing how to play catch, throw a ball, or tie a tie. It is the reason some being reared by women end up with more feminine traits than masculine ones. It is the reason the black family unit has been destroyed.
If you're going to walk out of a child's life, walk out and stay out. Don't play mind games by building their hopes up like you're going to be reliable. Do you and them a favor and keep it moving. Men need to stop letting money and their negative feelings toward the mother keep them from being a father. You are not a man unless you nurture and provide for your children, I don't care how old you are, how many degrees you have or how much money you have. But always remember, if you haven't been introduced to that lovely lady karma, you will soon.
Bottom Line: If you don't want kids, don't have sex or wear a condom. It's that simple.
Your words below:
ReplyDelete"You are not a man unless you nurture and provide for your children, I don't care how old you are, how many degrees you have or how much money you have."
As a black man in America, I can sign off on this statement. I am one who believes that masculinity is based heavily on Provision and Protection. This is my PERSONAL belief, but I also feel that World History substantiates this claim. That said, the following opinion...and the emotion behind this statement, can be just as detrimental as the behavior of a DeadBeat Father:
"If you're going to walk out of a child's life, walk out and stay out. {sic} Do you and them a favor and keep it moving."
Though these feelings MAY be warranted, is the message that you ACTUALLY want to convey. I don't see it solving anything at all. What I DO see it doing is deepening the chasm that exist between Black men and Black women. Now, of course, all of this is predicated on what type of people are the partners of a relationship. If the man is slovenly, lethargic, conniving, abusive, irresponsible, and just NO-GOOD...then sure, you should treat him accordingly. (But then you have to ask yourself how keen your mate-selection and judgement skills are.)
Just a little advice for the Black women and men out here, take some hints from the Nature Channel. The female in a species always choose the strongest of the males AFTER the males have illustrated themselves to be most worthy of the pussy. Then the Alpha male takes all.
Now, I understand that in this culture, polygamy is not condoned...nor will men be expected to go out an engage in planned/rehearsed physical combat for a woman...but if MEN focus on garnering strength, intellect, and power...and WOMEN focus on choosing the strongest of these men...then maybe this conversation regarding the DeadBeat Black Man...and the Frustrated Black Woman....will be put to rest.
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ReplyDeleteRepost...had to check my spelling.
ReplyDeleteSome men simply are not going to do right no matter what. Speaking from own experience, my own father was simply too selfish to be concerned with me and my siblings. He would rather just talk a good game like he was the doting father when he was around a lot of people even though it was the furthest thing from the truth. To this very day he feels like WE OWE HIM. Huh?? When I graduated from college, he told me if I wanted him there I needed to buy his ticket. Well, guess who missed the ceremony? My sister had to attend a father-daughter dance with her best friend's father because mine was off doing God knows what with God knows who. But ask him if he was a good father, he'll tell you yes. He feels because he was physically in the house that was sufficient. But taking a cue from my grandfather, his father who provided and cared for 10 kids, I don't see how he missed the target. An old woman once said some men are simply too selfish to love anyone other than themselves. These are the same men who die with no one knowing, kids across country because daddy abandoned them, they're forced to be placed in an unmarked grave because that is how they chose to live their life. In spite of my unique but not uncommon experiences, I look at the man as a person. But I am above them using the excuses, "My dad was never around", or "My father never did anything for me". Does that make it right or better? Absolutely not. I still remember Shaq's father appearing on some talk show with crocodile tears acting like he was soooo sorry he was never around. This when Shaq had just started playing ball and pops thought he was gonna get in where he fit in. Fortunately for Shaq, he had common sense and disregarded the man just as he had disregarded him. Is it right? Well I may be biased because I believe in the eye-for-an-eye theory on certain things.